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Dear
KRS,
I would just like to know how I can get rid of the stress I
go through everyday. First, I have trouble getting to school on time and that
causes me stress. At school, I
stress over paying attention and learning. When I get back home, I have to do
tons of homework and practice drums for about an hour (my drum teacher says I
have to). I also have this ex-girlfriend that I remain very good friends with
but she keeps breaking my heart, although I know it’s not intentional. So I
stress over her too. Finally, when I’m ready to sleep, I stress about what I
should wear tomorrow! What can I do!?
Stressed Teen
Dear Stressed Teen,
It seems you are in “the habit of stress.” This is actually quite common and fortunately, it is something that can
be reversed. There are some behavioral changes I would suggest:
1) Getting to school on time. Simple
solution: allow yourself more time
by getting up earlier, if necessary. Decide
on the time you need to leave the house to get there on time – then vow to get
out the door at exactly that time. You can set an egg timer to help you with this in the
beginning (have the egg timer go off 10 minutes before you should leave the
house).
2) Paying attention at school. Worry
less about it and try to relax into hearing something of interest to you. I always suggest that, if the teacher doesn’t weave that information
into practical usage in your life, you can use your own imagination to think how
this information might prove worthwhile at some point. It will then “stick” in your memory better than stressing over
memorizing lists of unrelated facts or statistics.
3) Drums – if practicing them brings you stress, consider quitting for
now. That is something that should
be pleasurable to you, not stressful.
4) Ex-girlfriend – whether she intends it or not, if she is making you
feel bad, consider making other positive friends. Good friends should not, by definition, be stress producing.
5) What to wear. Lay out your
clothes the night before. This
eliminates the time and worry it takes when you’re under pressure to get out
the door in time.
Finally, when you catch yourself starting to worry about
something, recognize the pattern and say “I don’t need to continue this
stress cycle. I release the need to
cause myself stress. I deserve
peace and happiness.”
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KRS
Dear
KRS,
I’m newly married and I’m so stressed with everything
that’s going on around me. I came from a different country than my husband.
The culture is so different and the way we look at things is not the same. I
terribly miss my family, friends and cats that I left behind. My husband is very
busy so he’s not always there to make my transition easier. How do I handle all these things and not let stress get the best of me?
Stressed Foreigner
Dear Stressed,
I’m sorry the transition to your new life has been
difficult. A few suggestions: get a cat or two, call home regularly to hear the voices of the ones you
love. Talk with your husband about
how important this is to you and work it into your budget. Join a group in which you have an interest – whether it’s knitting,
hiking or stamp collecting. It
doesn’t matter, just get yourself around other people with similar interests. Depending on the size city you are in, you might also find a group of
people of your own nationality. If
not, you may find some on the internet, although it’s ideal to be around
others face to face. If you are
shy, this will be a challenge but a good exercise in overcoming shyness. You have to take the initiative and take charge.
You can do it!
KRS
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Dear
KRS,
I’m currently finding things very difficult. I am feeling totally overwhelmed and trapped. I just want to give it all up but that isn’t an option. I am at college and have been struggling to get through this year while battling an eating disorder.
The exams are only 4 weeks away and I still have two course projects to do. I’m confused and don’t know what to do. Every time I try to do something I get totally stressed thinking of all the other things that I feel aren’t going to be done on time and as a result end in a complete panic. I can feel the fear physically.
I get so angry with myself for being so pathetic and for letting my eating disorder interfere so much with my studies. I just feel I can’t do it. I’m never going to make it through the next 4 weeks. I’m sorry to go on and on but I needed to get it all out. If you have any suggestions about how to cope I’d be very grateful.
Stressed Anorexia Student
Dear Anorexia Student,
Put these words on your wall: “Everything is going to be alright. I am not a bad person.”
Realize that you are not alone in your feelings. I receive so many similar letters from students who act out their school pressures through eating disorders. Eating disorders often manifest the desire to get control of at least one area of our life, i.e. food intake.
Sometimes the eating control issues are deep rooted and other times it’s just a matter of making a few shifts in your thinking and behavior. Either way, consider consulting an eating disorder specialist to guide you though this.
So how do you make such shifts? Slow down and take it one step at a time. Make an attainable list of what you need to do each day for the next 4 weeks to get things done. You’ll be amazed at how much calmer it’ll make you feel to see everything written down in tangible goals versus flying around your head in endless loops. You’ll also be amazed at how much can get done in a day, not to mention 30.
Then attend to each day as it comes. When you catch yourself looking up at everything at once, bring your focus back to the day at hand. If you still feel, after making your list that it simply cannot be done, consider talking to your
instructor(s) about getting an extension. You might ask your doctor to write a note if need be. People are far more understanding than you think, and either way, you WILL survive this. My father used to say, “What’s the worst thing that could happen? Are you going to die?” Of course not.
You mentioned that you’d like to give it all up. If you really dislike your college, classes, etc. you can certainly consider switching or even working for awhile. There are solutions for everything.
For help with some meditation techniques to work on the physical sensations you experience with your fear, you might want to read some of the “Ask KRS” Meditation Letters.
KRS
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Dear
KRS,
I must learn to cope
with stress which, at this point, seems impossible to me.
I am married with 8 children. Just the regular schedule is quite hectic and every time anything extra needs to be done I get nervous.
I am happily married and the children are usually happy and healthy. I am just overwhelmed by the mess in the house and keeping up with everything that needs to be done. Alot of times - if
I see too many things that need to be done – I just sort of freeze - and do nothing. Its like being paralyzed in a way.
I am also always worried that I'm not doing enough for my family and I feel
guilty most of the time which does nothing positive for anyone. Any advice?
Overwhelmed with 8 Kids
Dear Overwhelmed,
With 8 children I'm sure it's easy to feel overwhelmed at times. My first suggestion is to have all children who are out of diapers have regular tasks, IN ADDITION to putting away their own belongings and play things each day.
Naturally, the younger the child, the more simple the household task obligation. You might want to keep a chart on the wall that gets checked off each day (you can design a weekly task chart and make several copies for the following weeks).
Then comes the most important part of the plan - rewards and discipline. Decide what the rewards and discipline are for each child and then enforce it rigorously, with no exceptions, or it will not be taken seriously by the children. It will be well worth your effort to set up this system. You will find your job easier with 8 little helpers and your children will be getting valuable training for their adult years.
Whenever you feel overwhelmed: 1) Make a Priority List of what you want done. 2) Ask for "extra credit" help from your
"kiddie crew" (for extra "rewards") or consider hiring help even once a month to help with the basics. 3) Tackle one thing on your Priority List at a time. Put on some music (or a walkman), think of your chores as exercise, and "relax into it."
I would also practice some basic relaxation skills, such as deep breathing. This should give you a good start to gaining control of your household and life.
KRS
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Dear
KRS,
I have been taking stress relievers for over a year. The medication is a temporary relief for stressful times. What else can I do to control my stress and not rely on the medication?
Drugs for Anxiety
Hi Drugs for Anxiety,
Many people would (and do) just take pills their whole life and never look up or seek deeper solutions. I'm proud of you for wanting more from life. There are wonderful, easy techniques you can use daily that will enhance your life in calm times as well as stressful times. One easy stress reducer is a meditation on the breath.
1) Focus on the abdomen where it rises and falls with each breath. You can rest your hand on this spot (over the navel area).
2) Let your shoulders drop as you allow the breath to flow in and out like a wave. Let your face muscles relax along with every other muscle in your body.
3) Search for any other tension in your body as you continue to follow your breath in and out.
4) When tension arises with anxiety, instead of dreading it think, "Great! This is an opportunity to practice my skills." Just knowing you are learning what to do and that the physical sensations of anxiety are not big bad monsters will free you their grasp.
KRS
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Dear
KRS,
I am the mother of 16 month old
twins. It took me five years and seven
miscarriages to have them through IVF.
Now that they are walking I am
experiencing a great deal of anxiety
that something will happen to them while
we're out.
I am terrified that I will not be able
to watch them both and that something
bad will happen the minute that I turn
away. I don't want to instill fear in
them and I want them to be able to
explore their world. I suspect that this
is a kind of post traumatic stress
disorder from all the miscarriages but I
don't know how to control it. I would
appreciate any advice on how to deal
with this anxiety before I pass it on to
my children.
Anxious Mother of Twins
Dear
Anxious Mother,
It is very astute of you to realize that
you could pass this fear onto your
children, so congratulations for
addressing it before it gets worse. It
is very natural for mothers,
particularly first time mothers, to have
a fear for the safety of their young
ones.
The fact that you went through so much
to have yours heightens that concern. I
often marvel myself at how children make
it though all the bumps and falls alive
once they become mobile. BUT THEY DO! In
fact, it’s part of their learning
process. This is what you must remember.
I have two suggestions. One, have faith
(whatever that means to you) in the
process. Know that they are in “higher
hands.” When you leave, realize that
they being watched over in more ways
than one. This will ultimately
strengthen your faith (you’ll need it
when they become teens). Second,
practice relaxation skills when you feel
like focusing on their safety. Notice
where you feel tight in your body and
let that area release with each breath.
Check out some relaxation audios. Give
this your time and attention and you
WILL overcome it.
KRS
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Dear
KRS,
I am taking a vacation next month and I’m getting so stressed thinking about all I have to do I feel like canceling. Help!
- Pre-Vacation Stressed
Dear Vacation Stressed,
Here are two effective tips to reduce stress and enhance your vacation experience:
1) Work Ahead – Make a list of everything that needs to be done before you go. This will make you feel more organized and will alleviate your stress. Bite the bullet and be willing to put in some extra hours. It is the best gift you can give yourself.
2) Pack Ahead – Put on vacation music and start filling your suitcase a week or more before your trip. It will eliminate the stress of last minute packing while extending your vacation through the joy of anticipation.
Bon Voyage!
KRS
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Dear
KRS,
I work a 40 hour week, have three children under ten years of
age (four, if you count my husband), a dog and an endless
"To Do" list. My holiday cards say "Peace"
on them. How can I find a little peace for myself this season?
Seeking Holiday Peace
Dear Seeking
Peace,
Since extra activities,
responsibilities and expectations at this time of year are
unavoidable, I'm going to give you a few ideas on how you can
clear a better path for serenity.
Start by removing as much outer stress-inducing debris as you
can. Basic practical skills can help bulldoze the clutter of
activities that rob your time. For example, simplify your
schedule and responsibilities. Reschedule non-urgent activities
for after the holidays and eliminate those holiday "To
Dos" you no longer enjoy or that cause you stress. Then use
every time management tip you know and ask other working moms
for timesaving tips that get them through the holidays.
Next, eliminate as much inner stress-inducing debris as
possible. Identify any self-sabotaging emotional patterns that
may surface at this time of year. For example, do you allow or
even create more chaos than necessary? Does any part of you feel
undeserving of holiday joy? Are you in the "habit" of
stress during this time of year?
If you answered "yes" to any of these, try to
heighten your awareness of them so you can catch yourself when
you start slipping back into them and apply the brakes. The
recurrent spotlight of consciousness, like an acupuncture
needle, can diffuse old patterns even in the busiest of times.
Also remember that emotional issues are, in themselves, ideal
opportunities for inner growth and spiritual evolution.
The more inner and outer clutter, chaos and stress you clear
from your days, the more space you create for peace. It is a
powerful positive cycle that quite effectively counteracts the
negative stress-breeds-more-stress cycle.
KRS
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Dear
KRS,
I have a nervous
stomach and get upset very easily. I don't want to take
drugs. What do you suggest?
Nervous Stomach
Dear
Nervous Stomach,
Relaxation skills will help you with the immediate as
well as long-term problem. You'll learn to recognize the
very early stages of nervousness approaching and,
instead of letting it make you even more nervous, you
will use your skills to relax before it becomes bigger.
It is very empowering process that will serve you in
many other areas as well.
One
relaxation technique: Imagine a magically healing
waterfall gushing over and through your body, washing
away any tension or negativity. Pay particular attention
to your stomach area and allow the muscles to soften as
you imagine your cool waterfall healing you. (You might
want to check out my relaxation audios. They have been
quite successful with this sort of problem)
KRS
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Dear
KRS,
My family and I live in Florida and, during
this time of year, we are in constant fear of
hurricanes. (Ironically, one of the reasons we
moved here from Los Angeles was to escape
earthquakes!) In the five years we've been here
we have had some close calls with violent
weather and minor damage but have, so far, been
lucky enough to avoid a hurricane. How do you
deal with fear of a hurricane (or any natural
disaster, for that matter)?
Stressed Over Hurricanes
Dear
Hurricane Stressed,
One of the worst things about natural disasters
is the fear of the unknown. Lack of control.
Without a stress reduction "fall-back
plan," lack of control leads to stress. I
was recently interviewed about how to survive
the stress of a natural disaster. Having
experienced first hand the last big quake in Los
Angeles, I suggested that the
"advantage" of an earthquake over most
other natural disasters is that there is no
warning - no time to think about it and get
worked up about it. It happens and then (for
better or worse) it's over. No time for needless
anticipatory stress, which in most cases is
worse than the actual event. For example, think
about all the stress you've put yourself through
over hurricanes in the past five years - yet
nothing has ever even happened to you. Worrying
about hurricanes or anything else, as you know,
doesn't change the outcome.
It sounds like you have become a bit
over-sensitized to natural disasters (moving
across country is a dramatic step). Being aware
of this is the first step to returning to a
healthy perspective of the situation. A few more
tips for reducing "natural disaster
stress":
1)
Don't feed the frenzy. Don't engage in
"what if" conversations about
potential disasters with friends or family.
Don't read everything about it or listen
non-stop to the radio or television during
threatening times. Naturally, you should check
the news at regular intervals if a problem is
pending, but there is no need to have the news
blasting through the house for days at a time.
2)
Be prepared for disasters. Have a predetermined
plan and necessary supplies should a disaster
strike. Then -
3)
Let it go. Turn on soft music, rent a funny
video, meditate, get a massage. Challenge
yourself to see how much you can let go. In
answer to your inner voice screaming the
ultimate fear, "But what if I die?"
say, "Then
it is my time." It can actually be quite an
enlightening experience. We, after all, are not
in control of the universe.
KRS
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Dear
KRS,
Is there such a thing as "positive" stress?
I own a small business and am running from morning to
quitting time (I'm usually good at stopping at six or
seven). I seem to thrive on the challenges that come
up each day but my family is worried that I'm pushing
myself too hard.
Is There Positive Stress?
Dear
Is There Positive Stress?,
There is no such thing as "positive" stress.
It's like describing something as "blackish
white". The dictionary defines stress as
"mental or physical tension or strain" which
doesn't fit very well in the same sentence with the
word "positive". Our bodies and minds are
made to endure short periods of stress but prolonged
periods become health hazards, raising blood pressure
and cholesterol levels while weakening the immune
system, to name just a few by-products. The key word
you used is "challenge". If you view your
daily hurdles as feasible challenges (versus
in-over-your-head impossibilities) and feel a sense of
control, accomplishment and satisfaction, you're no
stresses--you're living life to the fullest. Now tell
that to your family so they will quit causing you
stress about not being stressed.
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Dear
KRS,
My husband stops eating when he's stressed. I,
on the other hand, eat everything in sight and then
rob my kids' private goody stock. No matter how
good I've been it all goes out the window when things
get crazy. Is there any hope?
Eating When Stressed
Dear
Eating When Stressed,
Eating to numb emotions is very common. People
don't want to FEEL the negative sensations that
accompany stress so they take their "drug of
choice." In this case it's food.
Food, like everything else, consists of nothing more
than a combination of various chemicals. When
consumed, these chemicals stimulate the release of
natural occurring
body chemicals, such as serotonin, our own built-in
tranquilizer. Why do you think Prozac is
so popular? It stimulates the release of
serotonin. Overeating produces the same sort of
"drugged" effect for a slightly different
reason (the digestion process requires an amazing
amount of energy). Being aware of your actions
is key to changing them, so the first step is to
realize exactly how and when you use food as a drug.
Next you need to summon the courage to feel the
negative sensations of stress skillfully instead of
running from them. Each time you want to eat,
ask yourself specifically what sensation in your body
you are trying not to feel. Then, if only for a
few seconds, put all your attention on that sensation
as you let go and allow the sensation to be there, to
do whatever it wants, to "complete" itself
and move on (and it will, eventually).
With practice, you will emerge free from the chains of
food, more internally educated for future stressful
situations, more self-respecting and - slimmer.
KRS
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Dear
KRS,
I'm in a high pressure job that requires I sit at my
computer most of the day. I think I handle the stress
pretty well but because of all the sitting my neck and
shoulders ache, especially in the afternoons.
Aspirin helps but I don't want to take it every day.
Any suggestions?
Computer Pains
Dear
Computer Pains,
You
may not be handling the pressure quite as well as you
think. Unfortunately, your body is paying the price
absorbing the overload. When the body is stationary
for a long period of time muscles tend to tighten and
when you add stress they tighten even more. Prolonged
muscle contraction can limit circulation and even
"pull" vertebrae out of alignment,
exacerbating the
headache, backache and exhaustion cycle. The solution?
Movement (for circulation) and stretching (to lengthen
muscles before trouble has time to
"set"). Don't sit for more than
20-30 minutes without moving, if only to stand up, do
a few shoulder rolls and sit down again. Establish
built-in breaks, so you don't have to think of
something each time: get a glass of water, go the rest
room or how about walking or jogging the stairs to the
next floor and down again (it only takes a minute or
two). The point is to keep circulation moving and keep
the muscles somewhat warm and flexible. A wonderful
de-stressing, posture-enhancing stretch for you:
(standing or sitting) clasp your hands behind your
back at hip level, keeping your elbows straight. Then
raise them up as your chest and shoulders open. Hold
for as long as it feels good. You might hear a little
"crack" or tow as the vertebrae realign
themselves. You'll love it.
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Dear
KRS,
Why does my hair fall out when no one in my family is
losing their hair, including my grandparents?
Hair Falling
Dear Hair Falling,
Hair loss can often be the result of stress. If
this is the case, take steps to monitor your
stressors. Also, practice stress reducing
skills, such as meditation. If there
has been no significant increase in your stress
level since you started losing your hair,
check with your doctor. Whether or
not your hair loss continues, use this as
an opportunity to accept yourself on a
deeper level than the physical.
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Dear
KRS,
What's the best and easiest way to get rid of stress?
Tired of Stress
Dear
Tired of Stress,
Eliminate or modify the things causing you
stress. How do you do that? First, make a
list of your stressors. Then put the stressors
that you feel you CANNOT CONTROL in one column and the
stressors you feel are potentially controllable
("CAN CONTROL", or modify to some extent) in
the other column. Interestingly, many feel a
great deal of relief already at this stage. Defining
your stress is a very important part of the
process.
Next, focusing on the "CAN CONTROL" column,
write down how you can eliminate or modify each
stressor. Take your time and be creative and
brutally honest with yourself. For example
"car payments" is a common stressor.
Many find the decision to go to a less expensive car
or even sell one of the family cars is the
"brutally honest" best solution. In
other words, much of our stress is self-created.
The good news is that it can be self-repaired.
Breathing exercises, meditation and visualization will
help with the CANNOT CONTROL column.
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Dear
KRS,
What is the easiest way to live a healthier,
stress-free lifestyle? I don't have the time or
interest to research everything there is to know on
the subject. Can you "bottom line" it
for me?
Seeking a Stress-Free Lifestyle
Dear Seeking Stress-Free,
You start by prioritizing a life of QUALITY, not
QUANTITY. We are so busy trying to go faster, do
more and have more that we forget about BEING more,
long term. Everybody wants to
"be" more on Monday, but by the time Friday
rolls around, the desire has often dissipated.
Decide that your goal to be healthier and more
stress-free is a matter of
"life-or-death." Then, one step at a
time, work towards that goal in a workable,
non-fanatical way.
Make a list of those people or things from your life
that are unhealthful, whether it's a bad boss or junk
food, and write them down. Then, one at a time,
work on eliminating them from your life. The process
may take a lifetime, but you will reap the rewards all
along the way.
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Dear
KRS,
I am having a horrible time sleeping. I am very tired
but I just can't seem to sleep. I can't
seem to clear my mind and just sleep. I've tried
everything from a hot bath to sleeping pills.
HELP!!
Busy, Sleepless Mind
Dear Busy Mind,
It helps to have a wind-down routine that may start
2-3 hours before bedtime. This is a time to turn
work off, have a few laughs (talk to friends, for
example) and prepare for bed. Don't eat right
before bedtime and eliminate caffeine entirely for
awhile. Read until your eyelids are so
heavy you can barely reach for the light.
Here's one technique I teach: When you notice
that you are thinking, bring your attention to the
most prominent sensation in your body. In other
words, where is that thought manifesting in your
body? Go to that area and allow it to relax, to
let go. Stay with it relentlessly, even as your
mind keeps trying to think/worry/obsess.
Continue coming back to the sensations in your body
and observe them, practicing ways to stop fighting and
just allow them. For more tips, read some of the
other responses I've given for insomnia.
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Dear
KRS,
I am very confused about my present situation. I'm
miserable at my job, however I earn a pretty high
salary for my field and I've invested 8 years in this
career so far. I'm contemplating quitting and looking
for another job, but I'm so stressed out I don't even
think I want to pursue this field I am in any longer.
I'm thinking of a career change, but then that will
mean staying at home with my parents until I finish
training, and frankly, I don't want to postpone
getting my own apartment (I'm 29). Which leads me to
another stress: my parents are extremely traditional
and do not find it acceptable for an unmarried woman
to live on her own. They're giving me an incredible
guilt trip (tears and all). Please help.
At the End of My Rope
Dear End of Rope,
Whenever it seems as if you have an overwhelming load
of unresolvable problems, it's important to untangle
the mental web and establish clarity before making
decisions. List the possible solutions to
each problem with a "Pro" and
"Con" column for each one. Write down
the positive and negative aspects of each solution
under the "Pro" or "Con"
heading. Then compare solutions and watch
clarity and intuition resurface. It's a simple
but rather enlightening technique.
Let me guide you a bit with your current
"web" of confusion. It doesn't matter
whether you've invested one year or 35 years in a job
in which you are unhappy. You must honor your true
nature and seek a job to which you are better suited
- as soon as possible. Console yourself
that every bit of experience you've gained at your
current job will serve you one way or another at some
point in your life, so it wasn't a waste of
time. Does a career change necessarily mean a
period of unpaid training? If so, consider
the options, such as getting a part-time job while in
training and sharing an apartment with a friend to
help with the rent. Perhaps having a roommate
would help your parents accept your move. If
not, be gentle but firm with them and make the move
anyway. Exciting changes are on the horizon for
you. Now take action.
Dear
KRS,
Thank you for your advice. Things are already
starting to look up. A negative situation at work has
cleared up, and I've decided to go ahead and get my
own apartment. My parents, though not happy about it,
said they will get used to it if they have to. Just
wanted to let you know. Thanks again.
No Longer At The End of My Rope
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Stressed Teen
